you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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