No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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