No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm always down for nudity.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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