she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
