FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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