I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
