Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
