I want to have your abortion
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
