You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
