I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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