she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
His hands were made for my vagina.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
