I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
