You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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