Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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