apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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