New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
