i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
