i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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