they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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