By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
