There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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