DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
