I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
