PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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