i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
