It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just pee around me
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
