i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
