I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
