my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
