it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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