Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
