the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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