went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
