Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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