I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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