He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
