i would punch a child for taco bell
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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