I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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