I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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