So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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