oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
