I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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