Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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