The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
