If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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