Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
