Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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