my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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