He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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