I need help removing her.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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