I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
