I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
